Four steps to stop being so hard on ourselves.
Over the last several days through my work with number of clients , who come from all walks of life, I’ve observed people unknowingly face this perceived deficiency of over burden of emotions. It’s like we’re in a trance that causes us to see ourselves as unworthy of not worthy of contentment of a peaceful life.
In order to Achieve that worthiness , self compassion depends on honest, direct contact with our own vulnerabilities. Compassion fully blossoms when we actively offer care to ourselves. To help people address these feelings of insecurity and unworthiness, we have introduced a program that addresses the mindfulness and compassion of people through a meditation we call as The RAIN of Self-Compassion.
It is made up of Four Parts:
- Recognise what is going on
- Allowing: Take a Life-Giving Pause
- Investigate with kindness
- Natural Loving Awareness.
R—Recognise What’s Going On
Recognising means consciously acknowledging, in any given moment, the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that are affecting us. Like awakening from a dream, the first step out of the this trance is simply to recognise that we are stuck, subject to painfully constricting beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations. Common signs of which include a criticising inner voice, feelings of shame or fear, the squeeze of anxiety or the weight of depression in the body.
Different people respond to the sense of unworthiness in different ways. Some might stay busy, trying to prove themselves valuable while others, fearful of failure, may become discouraged. Still others may resort to addictive behaviours to avoid facing their shame and fear. Any of these strategies can lead to either defensive or aggressive behaviour with others, or unhealthy attachment.
Some of us are at war with ourselves for decades, never realising how our self judgement and self-aversion keep us from finding genuine intimacy with others or enjoying our lives. One palliative caregiver reports that a key regret of the dying is not having been true to themselves. Rather than listening to and trusting our inner voice, most of us try to live according to the expectations of others, which we internalise. Thus when we inevitably fall short of the mark, we condemn ourselves.
Though it may sound depressing or overwhelming, learning to recognise that we are at war with ourselves is quite empowering.
A—Allowing: Take a Life-Giving Pause
Allowing means letting the thoughts, emotions, feelings or sensations we have recognised to simply be there. Typically when we have an unpleasant experience, we react in one of three following ways: by piling on the judgment; by numbing ourselves to our feelings; or by focusing our attention elsewhere. For example, we might have the sinking, shameful feeling of having been too harsh in correcting our child. But rather than allowing that feeling, we might blame our partner for not doing his or her part, worry about something completely different, or decide it’s time for a nap. We’re resisting the rawness and unpleasantness of the feeling by withdrawing from the present moment.
We should allow by simply pausing with the intention to relax our resistance and let the experience be just as it is. Just by Allowing our thoughts, emotions, or bodily sensations doesn’t mean we agree with our conviction that we’re unworthy. Rather, we honestly acknowledge the presence of our judgment, as well as the painful feelings underneath. Many clients we have worked with support their resolve to let it be by silently offering an encouraging word or phrase to themselves. For instance, you might feel the grip of fear and mentally whisper ‘YES’ in order to acknowledge and accept the reality of your experience in this moment.
Allowing creates a space that enables us to see more deeply into our own being, which, in turn, awakens our caring and helps us make wiser choices in life.
Victor Frankel writes, “Between the stimulus and the response there is a space, and in this space lies our power and our freedom.” Allowing creates a space that enables us to see more deeply into our own being, which, in turn, awakens our caring and helps us make wiser choices in life.
I—Investigating with Kindness
Investigating means calling on our natural curiosity—the desire to know truth—and directing a more focused attention to our present experience. Simply pausing to ask, what is happening inside me?; can initiate recognition, but investigation adds a more active and pointed kind of inquiry. You might ask yourself: What most wants attention? How am I experiencing this in my body? Or What am I believing? What does this feeling want from me? You might notice hollowness or shakiness, then discover a sense of unworthiness and shame masked by those feelings. Unless you bring them into awareness, your unconscious beliefs and emotions will control your experience and perpetuate your identification with a limited, deficient self.
Poet Dorothy Hunt says that we need a “…heartspace where everything that is, is welcome.” Without such an attitude of unconditional care, there isn’t enough safety and openness for real investigation to take place.
When the intention to awaken self love and compassion is sincere, the smallest gesture—even if, initially, it feels awkward— will serve you well.
Compassion arises naturally when we mindfully contact our suffering and respond with care. As you practice the RAIN of Self-Compassion, experiment and see which intentional gesture of kindness most helps to soften or open your heart. Many people find healing by gently placing a hand on the heart or cheek; others, in a whispered message of care, or by envisioning being bathed in warm, radiant light. What matters is that once you have investigated and connected with your suffering, respond by offering care to your own heart.
N—Natural Loving Awareness
Natural loving awareness occurs when identification with the small self is loosened. This practice of non-identification means that our sense of who we are is not fused with any limiting emotions, sensations, or stories. We begin to intuit and live from the openness and love that express our natural awareness.
Though the first three steps of RAIN require some intentional activity, the N is the treasure: A liberating homecoming to our true nature. There’s nothing to do for this last part of RAIN; we simply rest in natural awareness.
You can trust this! RAIN is a practice for life—meeting our doubts and fears with a healing presence. Each time you are willing to slow down and recognise, oh, this is the trance of unworthiness… this is fear… this is hurt…this is judgment…, you are poised to de-condition the old habits and limiting self-beliefs that imprison your heart. Gradually, you’ll experience natural loving awareness as the truth of who you are, more than any story you ever told yourself about being “not good enough” or “basically flawed.”
We each have the conditioning to live for long stretches of time imprisoned by a sense of deficiency, cut off from realising our intrinsic intelligence, aliveness, and love. The greatest blessing we can give ourselves is to recognise the pain of this trance, and regularly offer a cleansing rain of self-compassion to our awakening hearts.
So Don’t be harsh on yourself and seek for help if needed
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